I know people just want to say SOMETHING when they hear about what I’m going through, but the truth is that people often say things that hurt a little more than help. It’s not on purpose…and to someone who hasn’t gone through infertility you might not have any idea that what you are saying is aggravating or offensive…but it is something to think about. So, here are a few of the things I HATE hearing (and that I would recommend not saying to someone trying to conceive (ttc)):
1. You need to/should just relax. No shit, Sherlock. If there was a ‘don’t stress’ button that I could push, I would do it. If I could get out of my head, I would do it. If I could take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication (like a lot of you) that wouldn’t harm a baby if I DID get pregnant, I would. Some people aren’t anxious and don’t stress, but for me it’s just the way I’m wired. There is no off button….so shut up with the ‘just relax’ nonsense. Is relaxing going to suddenly make me ovulate regularly and produce more progesterone? No.
2. Just stop trying, and you’ll get pregnant! That’s what I/my friend/my mom/my sister/my friend’s boss’s girlfriend/etc did! When I hear this one I get so annoyed. First of all, I’m 31 years old and I want multiple, healthy kids. The chance of that decreases each year that I age, so I’m on a time-limit, people. Secondly, I very rarely ovulate naturally on my own. If I just ‘stopped trying’ and didn’t take meds to make me ovulate and track when that happened, it’s very likely I would never get pregnant. And finally, I have known for at LEAST 10 years that children were really all that mattered in my future. It was never a question to me. So to ask me to just stop trying is freakin idiotic. Again, there isn’t an ‘off’ button for these things!
3. “I didn’t know if I should tell you I was pregnant because I didn’t want to make you feel bad.” I get where people are coming from with this, but for me a baby is a baby and I’m going to happy for ANY of my friends who are blessed with one! Now, if you are a crackhead…or a 16 year old chick with no support….or something like that, I won’t be happy for you. Otherwise, you are good and PLEASE don’t feel weird around me. Just because I’m having issues doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for you. Sure, it might hurt a little just because it’s sad going through something like this and watching everyone else succeed…but it’s not personal.
4. “Just take one of my kids!” Watch saying this one, because I just might. Plus, it belittles the whole parenting thing, even if you are joking. I’d give anything to be a mom right now, so joking about giving your kids away just disrespectful.
5. “Why don’t you just adopt?” I would love to adopt…but I would also love, more than anything, to have a baby that is part of me and part of the person I love the most in this world. When I hear this “just adopt,” I hear “just give up.”
If you have said any of these things to me, don’t worry…I’m not mad or upset. I get that the situation sucks and that you just want to try to help and want to say something to ease the pain. Here a few suggestions on things I’ve found make me feel a little better:
- I’m here for you if you need to talk…or need anything at all
- It’s going to happen, don’t give up hope
- You are doing a great job handling everything
- Do you want me to kick your uterus’s ass?
- I’m thinking about you/praying for you
- Just know that all this is worth it in the end