Today is a shitty day.  I have been stressed beyond belief with work, constantly cleaning up messes that other people make, and then I get some really bad news.  Let me back-track just a moment.

I only have two people in my life whom I have been really close to and then have completely lost them as a friend.  And by lost, I mean that they no longer talk to me for one reason or another.  I’ll use code names just to be nice- let’s call one Melanie and the other Sarah.

Melanie and I were very close friends for about 11 years.  I probably even called her my best friend at some point…we were that close.  I was always myself around her….always honest with her….and always there for her.  We never fought and we rarely disagreed.  One day, we got into a stupid fight.  It was something about me being OCD and controlling (which I admit I am) and something about her being dishonest and disrespectful.  No big deal, until the fight turned into something else. Ends up, Melanie had a whole laundry list of things she hated about me…as a person.  I was blown away, but from that point forward I was ok with the friendship dissolving.  Why, when we’d been so close?  Because she obviously didn’t really love me for me.  And that’s ok….I don’t expect everyone to be able to put with me.  Since that fight, we have never spoken again.  I hope she is well, but I have no need for her in my life.

Sarah and I go back 14 years. She was my mentor and role model while I was in high school (she was a couple of years older than me), and we became close friends during my senior year.  We hung out off and on during college (she went to college about an hour from where I was going to college), and when we both moved back to the Rogers area we hung out often.  Sarah was always a party girl…she was the first to participate in a night out on the town, and the last to pass out at the end of the night.  Once Chris and I got married and got a house, we entertained at the house often.  At a few of the parties, I realized that Sarah was REALLY messed up.  I knew she was drinking, but she was doing something else…something that made her unable to speak well or even navigate throughout the house.  I began to get worried. I assumed she was taking pills or something, but wasn’t sure exactly what.  I began to worry.  I began to not include Sarah in my going-out plans or the parties at my house because I was worried about her drinking/driving/etc.  I felt guilty about not including her, so I decided to have a talk with her.  And I did.  I sat Sarah down and told her that I thought she had a problem…and that I wasn’t ok being a part of the problem or being involved in behavior that could really hurt her.  I told her I loved her and was there for her.  She was defensive….and she told me she was fine.  After that?  She never called or emailed or texted me again.  I tried calling a few times…tried a few texts….but never got a response.  At that point I just gave up and said ‘her loss.’  I emailed her about a year ago to just check in and tell her I missed her, but never got response.

This afternoon, I got a phone call….the one that I had, for a while, expected.    Sarah died this weekend….I’m told it’s an overdose, but who really knows that sort of thing.  I’ll never know if she was mad at me or just embarrassed.  I’ll never know if she was medicating to have a good time or to cover up some sort of grief.  I’ll never know if she was happy.  I’ll never know if she forgave me for being tough with her.  It really just breaks my heart.  The saddest part of this for me is that Sarah had SOOOO much potential to just have an incredible life!  She was absolutely beautiful….she was super smart….she had an amazing, supportive family…she was hilarious….she was.  Was.

I want to vomit.

Categories: Friends | Tags: , , , , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “Loss

  1. Sara

    Oh, that is awful. I am so sorry. Drugs/addiction suck. It sucks so bad. No matter what you say or do, you will always question if it was done at the right time, in the right way, with the right words. I was actually JUST re-reading a letter I read at an intervention a few years back and reflecting on that time. I am proud of you for talking to her. It is SO easy for people to just ignore the problem and hope for the best. She might have needed someone to just talk to her about it, so that she could talk about it. That is not what she did, but I’m proud that you talked to her about it. You would feel a lot shittier today if you had stood by and contributed. I know it’s very little to stand on, but know you have support. *big hug* I’m so sorry 😦

  2. This post literally brought tears to my eyes. Which is a rather selfish thing to say since YOU are the one who has lost, not me. But my tears are for you, semi-stranger. Big hugs!

    i hope you can find peace and comfort somehow in this situation. If there’s something that I’ve had to work at during this whole TTC experience, it’s letting go of the things that are out of our control. I think that applies here. You did what you could, which is more than most people would’ve done, so don’t beat yourself up about it.


    • Girl, you and I BOTH have issues with letting go of things we can’t control! TTC is the hardest thing I’ve ever done….and I’m sure you are in the same boat, unfortunately. I’m enjoying your blog!

      • Thank you, I’m enjoying yours, too! Hate that you’re having to deal with this tragedy right now but I hope you’re doing well through it all.

  3. I am so sorry Jen. That is awful. I am sorry for you and for your friend and for your friend’s family. Will there be a service you can attend?

    • Service was yesterday afternoon- it was a nice service, although it quickly became apparent that she committed suicide. =(

  4. Aww, hon. I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

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