I’ve had a lot of people email me/message me/text me about my friend….thank you. I’ve been having a difficult time with it, so I appreciate you checking in.
I went to the service yesterday- it was relatively short and sweet, although one of the pastors definitely milked the large crowd and tried to throw a mini-sermon into the mix. That was annoying. The other pastor…the one who talked more about my friend as a person and who she was…pretty much came out and told us that it was a suicide that took her life. This makes it so much harder for me….I just can’t understand it at all.
After Chris fell asleep last night, I laid in bed and just cried and cried….just heartbroken. I then jumped on my iPad and decided to look up all of my old emails to/from my friend….I don’t know what I was thinking. My last email was from last summer and said something like “Hey girl….miss you…call/email/text me whenever you can!” I never heard back. The email before that was from late 2010 and was from my friend (in response to an email I had sent about being worried about her and pointing out behavior I had watched) and stated:
” I realize that I go through these crazy cycles. My folks realize it too. It seems to go in 1&1/2 -2 year cycles, and also in accordance with my getting on and getting off my depression meds over the years. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I am trying to deal with it without the meds so I still feel like part of a person, and that’s been happening since high school. I just don’t think I’ve ever spoken much about it. Your observations are eerily accurate (you know that), and I appreciate you not hesitating to lay things out there. I don’t like my obvious cycles. I am working on all this junk, along with alot of other stuff. I have felt like I lost myself a long time ago, I’m not the same person I was, and getting that back is very difficult. I don’t like how I’ve felt for so long. I don’t enjoy people not liking me, but that is all on the long list of stuff I have to suck up and try to figure out how to deal with. I’m not trying to do the pity-party, that doesn’t do either one of us good. I’m just seriously trying to deal with myself one day at a time. Just know, I doubt I’ll ever think you’re out of line. Also, I appreciate you writing me back, and saying everything you did. I am trying to get my shit together, but I know it’ll take awhile. I would love to come by and visit, but I feel like I’m just a big bummer right now. So, we might want to wait a little bit until I’m more on my feet.”
This was from Fall 2010….and then this week she takes her life? How could things not have gotten better since then? It’s just so fucking sad…that’s all there is. Could I have done more, yes. And that sucks. But I know it was up to her…I know that….
Anyway, I don’t generally like songs/poems that are told/played/on the brochures/etc of funerals, but this one I thought was very positive…she would have liked it:
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other,
That we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the ghost of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was,
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well
—Henry Scott Holland