I have been a terrible, terrible blogger lately. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say…I always have a lot to say…it’s just I get torn on what to share/not share and work has been so busy that by the time I am away from my computer I don’t want to look at another screen for at least 24 hours. Seriously. I have a lot of updates to give you, but I think I’m going to spread them out through a few blogs so that you have something to look forward to (lol).
Since I started this blog to track my fertility issues (and maybe, hopefully, help someone along the way), let’s go ahead and deal with that. I’m having a shitty day anyways, so let’s just put it all out there. As you know, failed another IUI in December. I stopped taking all meds except the PNV, Metformin and the steroid at that time. I didn’t know when I’d ovulate without Clomid or Femera, so I was somewhat happy with my OPK was positive on January 27th- day 33. I naturally average between 35-45, so I didn’t think it was THAT awful (although should be around 12-14 days). Plus, we were on vacation in paradise…..and EVERYONE says to just go away/relax/have fun and you’ll make a baby! I was excited. I was especially excited with 2 weeks later I hadn’t started my period. And then another day later…still no Aunt Flow. This wasn’t the norm, since I’ve started EARLY every cycle for the last year or so. On day three…which happened to be my birthday…I started. I wasn’t surprised (I had taken a HPT the day before and it was negative), but I was just immediately really, really sad.
I feel like I’ve really held my shit together about all this for a long time….but I feel the avalanche starting, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together. For the most part I can put on a brave face and say things to make people feel ok about it all when they ask me how things are going with the baby-making…but it’s not at all how I am feeling on the inside anymore. I had been pretty positive…and am outwardly still being pretty positive I believe…but all positivity has left the building as of this month. I feel myself closing in and shutting off about it all and I don’t know how to stop that from happening, really. I can’t lie anymore and just smile and say it’s all good…..yet I don’t want someone to be like “so where are you at and what is the next step” and me just stare at them before bursting into tears. And it’s not like I can just go forward WITHOUT people asking…..it’s the elephant in the room, ya know? And people are just worried about us and want to show they care, I know that….but I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even talk to DH about it. The extent of my opening up about it all is an email or text each month that says: “Not pregnant. =(” There really isn’t much else to say, is there? My husband has been amazing throughout the entire process…giving me space when I need it…hugs when that’s the only way I can communicate….patience when I take out my frustrations on him…etc etc. Love.
So what do I do now? Who the hell knows. I’m so tired and drained from the emotional aspect of it all…but I’m 32 and DH is 35, so it’s not like I can comfortably just take a year off and see what happens, ya know? I think my next step is to have Dr. Pappas refer us to a specialist…but that’s a whole other thing. More traveling…tests…money…time off of work….sounds exciting, doesn’t it? I’m just not ready for that…but I don’t really have that choice. I guess I should call now.