So I haven’t been completely honest with you. Not that I’ve lied, just that I’ve maybe withheld a little bit of information from you. You see, when we went for our first ultrasound over a month ago, this is what we saw:
Although the picture is sideways, you can clearly see TWO gestational sacs. Yes…that means TWO babies. Chris and I were shocked for at least a few days, and leery to get excited as it is very common for one twin not to be viable. A week after this appointment…right after it had sunk in and I was starting to get excited about it, we went for our second ultrasound. Low and behold, but babies looked perfect. They were both the same size (6 weeks and 2 days) and had both grown according to the norm. YAY! This is when I started crazy research…such as sleep training two babies at once…. breastfeeding two babies…..knowing when to separate them from one crib…getting them on a schedule….nursery ideas for two kids….etc. It was overwhelming for sure, but super exciting. I kept thinking that I was blessed with two babies because of all the trouble we had getting pregnant to start with- that the universe was trying to make it up to me in this way. At first I tried not to get too excited, just in case something happened, but I couldn’t help it….
Yesterday, two weeks after our last appointment, we had our third ultrasound. Immediately we could see both gestational sacs AND the babies in them…but it was obvious that one was bigger than the other. It didn’t take long to realize that we had an issue. Baby A stopped growing around 7 weeks 5 days and has no heartbeat now. Baby B is measuring right on track (8 weeks 3 days) and has a strong heartbeat- 175. The ultrasound Tech and the Dr. were both very clear that Baby A will not survive. So….it was a bittersweet appointment. I, of course, cried during the ultrasound…then with the nurse (who also cried)…then I tried to hold out to get through the Dr appointment, but when Dr. P introduced me to a new Dr and said “this is Jen…she’s pregnant with twins, but we just found out she’s losing one” I just lost it. Totally embarrassing….I didn’t realize I was already that attached…kinda shocked me.
So that’s the news. Of course I’m was so so so so happy to hear Baby B’s amazing heartbeat and see that she’s right on schedule, but it was all overshadowed by this extreme feeling of loss. I know I should be happy to have one healthy Beebee growing inside me, but frankly my heart is broken. I’m sure I’ll come to terms and be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but for now I’m just kind of a mess. I asked the doctor what to expect as far as ‘losing’ Baby A goes, and he said it really varies. I may miscarry (at anytime, so not suppose to freak over any blood….yeah right, easier said than done), or the baby may just somehow eventually go away and I won’t see any differences. Weird, I know. I hate the thought of all of it.
My logical mind keeps trying to convince my emotions that it’s ok….that I have one healthy baby and hell, things will be easier in the long run; however, my emotional self said to fuck off. Would you tell a guy that lost one leg to cheer up, at least both aren’t gone? Would you tell a girl with two dogs, one of which just got ran-over, don’t worry…it’s so much easier to just have one dog anyway. I hope not. I’ll eventually catch-up to my logical self, I’m sure, I just need a moment or two. Cause this sucks. And no…I don’t want to talk about it if you see me.