Bittersweet Baby News

So I haven’t been completely honest with you.  Not that I’ve lied, just that I’ve maybe withheld a little bit of information from you.  You see, when we went for our first ultrasound over a month ago, this is what we saw:

Ultrasound 5w5d 5-21-13

Although the picture is sideways, you can clearly see TWO gestational sacs.  Yes…that means TWO babies.  Chris and I were shocked for at least a few days, and leery to get excited as it is very common for one twin not to be viable.  A week after this appointment…right after it had sunk in and I was starting to get excited about it, we went for our second ultrasound.  Low and behold, but babies looked perfect.  They were both the same size (6 weeks and 2 days) and had both grown according to the norm.  YAY!  This is when I started crazy research…such as sleep training two babies at once…. breastfeeding two babies…..knowing when to separate them from one crib…getting them on a schedule….nursery ideas for two kids….etc.  It was overwhelming for sure, but super exciting.  I kept thinking that I was blessed with two babies because of all the trouble we had getting pregnant to start with- that the universe was trying to make it up to me in this way.  At first I tried not to get too excited, just in case something happened, but I couldn’t help it….

 

Yesterday, two weeks after our last appointment, we had our third ultrasound.  Immediately we could see both gestational sacs AND the babies in them…but it was obvious that one was bigger than the other.  It didn’t take long to realize that we had an issue.  Baby A stopped growing around 7 weeks 5 days and has no heartbeat now.  Baby B is measuring right on track (8 weeks 3 days) and has a strong heartbeat- 175.  The ultrasound Tech and the Dr. were both very clear that Baby A will not survive.  So….it was a bittersweet appointment.  I, of course, cried during the ultrasound…then with the nurse (who also cried)…then I tried to hold out to get through the Dr appointment, but when Dr. P introduced me to a new Dr and said “this is Jen…she’s pregnant with twins, but we just found out she’s losing one” I just lost it.  Totally embarrassing….I didn’t realize I was already that attached…kinda shocked me.

 

So that’s the news.  Of course I’m was so so so so happy to hear Baby B’s amazing heartbeat and see that she’s right on schedule, but it was all overshadowed by this extreme feeling of loss.  I know I should be happy to have one healthy Beebee growing inside me, but frankly my heart is broken.  I’m sure I’ll come to terms and be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but for now I’m just kind of a mess.  I asked the doctor what to expect as far as ‘losing’ Baby A goes, and he said it really varies.  I may miscarry (at anytime, so not suppose to freak over any blood….yeah right, easier said than done), or the baby may just somehow eventually go away and I won’t see any differences.  Weird, I know.  I hate the thought of all of it.

 

My logical mind keeps trying to convince my emotions that it’s ok….that I have one healthy baby and hell, things will be easier in the long run; however, my emotional self said to fuck off.  Would you tell a guy that lost one leg to cheer up, at least both aren’t gone?  Would you tell a girl with two dogs, one of which just got ran-over, don’t worry…it’s so much easier to just have one dog anyway.  I hope not.  I’ll eventually catch-up to my logical self, I’m sure, I just need a moment or two.  Cause this sucks.  And no…I don’t want to talk about it if you see me.

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Categories: Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Ultrasound, Uterus | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Bittersweet Baby News

  1. Melissa

    Hugs Jen. I would be really upset if not devastated too. Baby A was a baby. He/she was your baby and it is completely rational for you to grieve that loss! But it’s also a happy time because you do have one healthy baby. I imagine the conflicting emotions are making it a lot harder – I would be a mess. It’s not black and white. You are happy but you are sad. In time, I imagine you will work through all the difficult emotions. It’s “funny” because if you hadn’t been monitoring yourself closely and done the early ultrasounds you never would have known that you were pregnant with twins and more than likely wouldn’t be near as upset about the loss because you wouldn’t have known of this second baby that you now had come to know and feel. I’ll definitely be thinking of you!

    Sent from Melissa’s iPhone…

  2. Sara

    aw, I’m so sorry! Um, I almost lost it reading the sentence, “this is Jen…she’s pregnant with twins, but we just found out she’s losing one.” That’s a rough way to string words together 😦

  3. paige

    I love you. And the only thing i can think to say is “that sucks”. call me anytime you need.

  4. This hurts my heart for you so bad. 😦 Unfortunately, I know the grief and pain that comes with learning that you’ve lost a baby. I also know the joy of seeing that healthy heartbeat beating away and knowing that this may be your take home baby. But I’ve never had to experience those two things at once. You grieve however you need to. It doesn’t mean you’re any less happy and excited about Baby B.

    I know when I miscarried I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. No one understood anyway. I feel like they thought that I was taking it too hard since I wasn’t very far along. But when you try for something for so long, you fall in love the moment you see that second line appears. Everyone’s experience is different, and I don’t have any mind boggling advice to give, but if you ever do want to talk to someone who has had a loss I am all ears. kmccor00@gmail.com

    Much love friend!!

    • That’s exactly right- don’t really want to talk about the grief because I don’t feel like anyone really understands it. I have one friend who does..and we’ve talked…but that’s about it. Right now I just really can’t talk about it in person, ya know? Ugh…so much harder than I expected. I appreciate the comment and email address- I may be hitting you up!

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