June 15th- Tell us about your first love.
This one is weird for me, since I am not one of those people who married their high-school sweetheart and never loved anyone else. Throughout school there were several guys I was interested in at different times (and may have even written I Heart So-And-So on binders), but I wouldn’t count any of them as my first love. Not even Wes, who was my first serious boyfriend to speak of. Wes was more like puppy love. I would say that my first real love was probably Matt M.
I met Matt when I was in high school. He was a few years older than me, and he was the best friend of my very close friend’s older brother. He was the lead singer in a local rock band, and every time I saw him (at his shows/at parties), girls were just drawn to him. I had a thing for him for quite a while before I started making moves to really make myself seen. I really put myself out there and pursued this guy. I was kinda infatuated to start with, honestly. Couple this with the low self-esteem I had in high school, and you get a pretty pathetic girl, actually. I’d go out of my way to do things for him..buy things for him…happen to be places….etc. I felt like I had to do these things, as it seemed everyone (including the town whore, Sarah) was after him! We truly did start out as friends, although from the get-go I wanted more…and I have a feeling he probably knew that. I went off to college, and our relationship kinda started changing tones through emails back and forth. Before I knew it, we were together…and I was elated. We dated off and on (he broke up with me one summer….I broke up with him the next if I remember correctly) for four years (pretty much my whole college career). For the first year or twoI was heaven….thought I’d finally gotten what I wanted. But eventually I always felt that I wanted it more (who wants to be in a relationship where you feel you love more than you are loved?) than he did….and looking back I realize that I was never really 100% myself, as I was always trying to impress him and keep him interested. BUT….I didn’t want to give up because I’d worked so hard to get him and I had won, right? Ha.
A couple of years into the relationship I met someone (DH) that made me realize that I deserved more attention and effort. It took me a while to make this realization (years), but he kept showing me again and again that a relationship should be 50/50. That each should feel that they are loved more…that each should want to make the other the happiest they could be….that each should put in effort. To this day I still feel awful for my DH….I would date him whenever Matt and I were broken up…and then I’d break up with him and end up back with Matt. It was so unfair to him….and I still can’t believe he ever took me back…more than once.
At the end of my relationship with Matt, he had FINALLY realized that I needed him to put in some effort. And that I wanted more from him. And that I had expectations. But by year 4 it was just too late for me. I had seen (through DH) what I could have and what I deserved and I wasn’t settling for anything less than the feeling I had when I was around him. The break-up was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. You see, I loved Matt. I wasn’t mad at him and I didn’t want him to be sad or upset. I just knew that we weren’t meant for each other for the long haul, so I couldn’t stay with him after making that realization. Having that conversation with him had us both in tears…it was awful. To make it worse, at the end of the conversation Matt goes in the other room and comes out with a little rectangular box….an engagement ring. He’d already talked to my parents, and he was just waiting for the right time…..which for some reason he thought was right after I broke up with him. Talk about dagger in the heart. I didn’t say yes, obviously, but talk about mixed emotions from him stepping up just a little too late! I was so sad for him. I REALLY did want to remain friends with him…and we tried that…but it was too hard on him. He wanted more and I didn’t and we could see it in each other’s faces every time we came face to face. I eventually cut off all communication so that
he we could both move on…and that is what finally worked.
Within a year of this happening, Matt married someone who neither of us knew when we were together. I guess the saying “when you’re ready, you’re ready” is true? They divorced a couple of years later from what I hear, and now he was remarried and I hear he is very happy. I really hope he is. Sincerely.
While Matt was my first love, I would have to say that DH was/is my first TRUE love. My first relationship that I have been myself and had a partner who is true to themself as well. We both feel like we hit the jackpot, which I think is rare. I get upset thinking of the grief I put him through during our early years, but I am soooo thankful that he allowed me to do what I did so that I could learn more about myself and what I want/need. It couldn’t have turned out better, in my mind. =)