This month is dedicated throughout the world to raising awareness of infant and pregnancy loss and to honouring and remembering babies and infants who died due to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, SIDS and all infant deaths. Today in particular, the 15th, is remembrance day…and people are encouraged to (at 7pm) to light candles in memory of all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. I will be lighting my candle for several people, including family, friends and fellow bloggers who I have gotten to know.
I have never doubted that miscarriage is tough…never…but until this year I really had no idea how crippling it can be. I had a hard time when I found out that we lost Baby A, but I never really talked about it fully with anyone. I felt that I was being judged…or that my feelings were belittled…because it was ‘so soon’ and because we still had Baby B. I kept hearing “at least Baby B is doing good” and “at least it happened now and not later,” but none of that was comforting (albeit true). You see, I had just spent weeks wrapping my head around the IDEA of two babies…the IDEA that I may get a family of four without another 3 years of trying for baby #2…the IDEA that I would be blessed with such a gift. I had just really accepted it all…and gotten excited. It was a very personal time for me. And not only did losing Baby A take away a lot of the dreams I’d just established, but it robbed me from really enjoying my first half of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong…I did a lot of fun things during that time….but I spent the first 20 weeks pretty terrified that something awful was going to happen to Baby B as well. Each milestone that I hit did help ease my stress, but there was definitely some stress. I’m sure that’s normal for any new mom…..but for an infertile…and someone who lost a twin before 12 weeks….it was high.
When I hit 24 weeks, I remembered a close friend of mine had lost her baby girl around 24 weeks. When she told me (months and months and months ago), I was so sad for her and felt like I understood what she was going through (as she had tried for a long time to get pregnant as well)…but when I hit 24 weeks myself, I realized that I had had NO idea what she went through. How attached she was to that baby. How many dreams were immediately crushed. How terrifying it had to have been for herself and her husband. How daunting the task of now trying to get pregnant again is….and how scared she will most likely be her entire pregnancy next time. It’s heartbreaking.
I think of another friend, who lost her baby girl shortly after delivery…after holding her in her arms and seeing that perfect soul. And another friend, who lost her sweet boy around 3 months. I am so proud of both of these ladies, as they have shared their stories publically and have helped others through similar situations. They are amazing.
I can’t imagine how many moms are out there who don’t talk about this. Who don’t have anyone to share their grief with. Who don’t know HOW to share their grief. I’m thinking of you tonight and I’m lighting a candle…not only for your littles, but for you.