Lost Mojo

Well kids….I know it’s a topic you’ve been wondering about for months now, so I might as well just address it.  That’s right- let’s talk about sex, baby.  Coming into this pregnancy, I had heard all SORTS of things from moms about sex while pregnant.  A good friend who has an average sex life told me that she just couldn’t get enough of it during her last couple of months.  Britney Spears recently went on record that the best sex of her life was while she was pregnant.  Another friend who is a horny toad told me that she pretty much went 9 months without sex at all because she didn’t feel sexy or comfortable.  It’s all across the board, so I didn’t really know what to expect.

Before we started trying to have a baby, DH and I had a WAY above-average sex life I would say.  I judge that simply by hearing about how often other people I know have sex with their spouses.  We were always just connected on that level (our chemistry is pretty much what got us together to start with) and it seemed that we were always ‘up for it’ whenever one or the other initiated.

When we first started trying to get pregnant we still had lots of sex, but it was just a little different.  I’m guessing just the purpose behind it made it more meaningful or special instead of just for fun?  I don’t know.  Still good…still plenty of it….

Fast forward a couple of years and we are paying for fertility treatments…tracking cycles every FN day….scheduling sex based on said cycles…trying to stay positive, but miserably failing inside.  I’m not sure how Chris felt about it during this time, but for me sex became somewhat of a chore.  Having to do it certain days…knowing certain positions were better for pregnancy outcomes….having a hard time ‘getting out of your head’ in order to really just let yourself enjoy the moment….etc etc.  I became depressed, of course, and having sex that didn’t result in a pregnancy was part of it.  I didn’t want to have sex as often, and we didn’t.  I would still buck up in between cycle days to try to keep the spouse happy, but it wasn’t the same…of course.

Then…BAM!  Pregnant!  WHOO HOO!!!  Depression immediately lifts (seriously- like instantaneously) and I feel myself getting my mojo back again.  In fact, the first month of pregnancy I found myself having sexy dreams at least once a week…which had been rare in the past.  This is all great until I hit about 5 weeks in my pregnancy.  What happened then?  OMG- terrible, terrible pain.  Every single time I would reach the big O I would immediately buckle over with severe cramps and my whole uterus would become rock-hard.  Not period cramps, mind you….more like “I’m going to throw up from the pain” cramps or “I might die” cramps.  I’d be doubled-over in the bathroom crying for at least 10 minutes (sometimes 20-30).  It was awful.  Sounds crazy, I know, but google it…..google something like “severe cramps after orgasm while pregnant” and you’ll see that I’m not alone.  I even (very embarrassingly, mind you) brought it up to my doctor because I was afraid something was wrong.  Ends up, it’s just caused by increased blood flow to certain parts of the body that actually does cause your uterus to contract.  It’s not harmful to the baby or mom, but it feels awful.  Needless to say, my vagina became off limits after the 3rd time this happened.  This phase/these symptoms lasted about 4-5 weeks.

Getting back on the sex train after that has been difficult.  I was mentally and physically ready after the pain from orgasm went away, but then we found out that we lost Baby A.  And I realized that getting pregnant didn’t equate to bringing home a healthy baby.  And even though I knew sex wouldn’t harm the baby, I had no interest in anything that could cause my uterus to contract…because what if?  And I’ll admit that I was a little depressed, which didn’t help.  This went on for weeks.  And yes, we did have sex a few times during that time….but very few times.

Fast-forward to hitting our 16 week appointment- everything with Baby Hott was fabulous, which was such a huge relief.  My stress level goes down significantly.  I realize that this baby is comfortable and healthy and happy in my womb and that I shouldn’t stress about it.  I feel my mojo coming back, finally, but then I am thrown another curve ball at my 20 week appointment.  At 20 weeks, I’m told that my placenta attached low.  Doctor tells me it’s nothing to worry about and that he’ll check it again at 32 weeks to see if it has moved up (which he said most do).  If so, great….if not, c-section city for me.  I walk out of the appointment not feeling too terrible, but then I make the worst mistake ever that evening…I google “low-lying placenta.”  DO NOT EVER GOOGLE shit like this if you are pregnant…trust your doctor.  I read horror story after horror story about people with low-lying placenta’s who had their blood supply cut off to their babies…who had babies die because of it…who were put on bedrest for months because of it.  The most common treatment was “no exercise….no sex….bedrest when possible.”  This terrified me to have sex, so off the sex train again we go.

At 32 weeks I find out that my placenta moved up (just at the doc had predicted) and that all is good.  Does this mean my mojo just picked right back up?  Nope, not yet.  At this point I’m not SCARED of having sex at all….I don’t fear for my baby or for any pain of any sort…but I’m having a hard time shifting my brain from mom mode to sex mode.  You see, baby girl is moving ALL UP in this belly at all times.  She’s kicking me…ticking me….leaning on my bladder….etc.  How to just ignore that and focus on some sexy-time is beyond me at this point.  For the first time in my life, I have no desire.  It’s just gone.  I still feel sexy…and I still find my husband incredibly hot and sexy….but I have no interest in sexy time.  Some girls feel like this all the time from what I’m told, but this is new to me.  And I don’t like it.  And I feel bad about it.  But it is what it is I suppose.  I’m just ready for it to come back.  I miss this part of intimacy.

And that, friends, is your TMI update for the day.  Now go out and get ya some.

Categories: Pregnancy | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Lost Mojo

  1. Ugh. Sex.

    Lol thats how I feel about it these days! My poor hubby, the well has been dry for a while! In the beginning I was too afraid due to having a previous early m/c. Then I was sick and just felt like shit. We had a few goes at it the 2nd trimester, but once I hit the 3rd I was miserable…cant get comfortable, cant really enjoy myself, and like you just not really into it. I have taken care of my hubby in other ways all this time (there’s my tmi update for ya) but I know he’s ready for sex to get back to normal….who knows when that will be!

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